About This Book 1

Foolish Assumptions 2

Icons Used in This Book 3

Beyond the Book 3

Where to Go from Here 3

Part 1: Getting Started with Sexual Pleasure: What They Didn’t Teach You In School 5

Chapter 1: Discovering Sexual Pleasure 7

Discovering Why Sexual Pleasure Matters 8

Filling in the Gaps of Sex Education 9

Uncovering Pleasure Anatomy 11

Celebrating the clitoris 11

Demystifying the G-spot 12

Befriending the frenulum 13

Praising the prostate 14

Baring other fun bits 15

Chapter 2: Understanding the Orgasm Gap 17

Minding the Gap: Fun for All 18

Causes of the orgasm gap 19

Embracing female pleasure 24

Bridging the Orgasm Gap 25

Chapter 3: Demystifying Sexual Taboos 29

Understanding Attraction and Sexual Identity 30

The Kinsey Scale 31

Attraction diversity 32

Busting the big masturbation myths 33

Getting as Kinky as You Wanna Be 34

Going beyond Fifty Shades of Grey 35

Common kinks 36

Table of Contents iii

Chapter 4: Unleashing the Power of Sex Toys 39

Adding Complements, Not Competition 40

The truth about sex toys 40

Toys for Every Body 41

For vulvas 41

For penises 47

For butts 49

Toys for Couples 54

Strap-ons 54

Remote-controlled toys 55

What the Heck Is Sex Tech?! 55

Part 2: Discovering Your Own Pleasure 57

Chapter 5: Defining Your Sexual Values 59

Discovering Why What You Value Matters 60

Unlocking Your Sexual Values 61

Cyndi 61

Kamal 62

Practicing Values-Based Sex 63

Reviewing past experiences 64

Applying sexual values moving forward 65

Chapter 6: Exploring Masturbation 69

Embracing the Greatest Love of All: Self-Love 70

Breaking Barriers to Self-Pleasure 72

Noticing shame 72

Befriending your body 73

Exploring Masturbation Techniques for Vulvas 74

Rock ’n’ Roll 74

Grinding 75

Squeezing 75

Tapping 76

Fingering 76

Shower love 76

Exploring Masturbation Techniques for Penises 77

Penis stimulation 77

Prostate stimulation 77

Chapter 7: Engaging Safely with Pornography 79

Sexual Entertainment versus Sexual Education 80

The Origins of Sexual Entertainment 81

Choosing from Erotica to Hardcore 83

Written word 83

Audio 83

Visual 84

Immersive 84

Yes, There’s Such a Thing as Ethical Porn! 85

Chapter 8: Decoding Your Wildest Fantasies 89

Experiencing Sweet, Sweet Fantasy, Baby! 90

Why we fantasize 90

Discovering common fantasies 91

Overcoming When Fantasy Is Scary 93

Testing the Waters without Getting in Over Your Head 94

Part 3: Creating a Path to Pleasure 97

Chapter 9: Discovering Your Biggest Sex Organ: Your Brain 99

Your Brain on Sex: Uncovering Your Sexual Arousal Wiring 100

Arousal in the Body and Brain 100

Understanding Individual Differences in Arousal 102

Maximizing pleasure across different arousal styles 103

Becoming excited — and delighted! 104

Throwing out inhibitions 106

Embracing Spontaneous and Responsive Desire 107

Igniting Your Five Senses 108

Chapter 10: Revealing Your Perfect Sexual Contexts 111

Discovering When You Actually Get That Feeling 112

Embracing your sexy contexts 114

Communicating when you need a context shift 115

Feeling Sexy in an Unsexy World 117

Chapter 11: Riding the Sexual Response Cycle Wave 119

Understanding the Mechanics of Orgasmic Pleasure 120

Phase 1: Excitement 120

Phase 2: Plateau 121

Phase 3: Orgasm 121

Phase 4: Resolution 121

Critiques of Masters and Johnson’s Sexual Response Cycle 122

Making the Most of Foreplay 123

Enjoying the Ride, Not Just the Destination 124

Part 4: Overcoming Common Barriers To Sexual Pleasure 127

Chapter 12: Minimizing Painful Sex 129

Discovering Common Causes of Painful Sex 130

Types of sexual pain 131

Pelvic floor connections 131

When “tightness” works against you 132

Vaginismus and penetration pain 132

Other common sources of pain 133

Lubing Up! 133

Water-based 134

Silicone 134

Hybrid 135

Natural oils 135

Aloe-based 135

Vaginal moisturizers 136

Increasing Sensation 136

Seeking Help 138

Chapter 13: Eradicating Shame 141

Identifying Sources of Shame 142

Puberty 142

Cultural norms and religion 143

Trauma and abuse 144

How Shame Interferes with Sex 144

Naming It, Then Reclaiming It 145

Managing Sexual Shame 146

Embracing Sexual Pride 147

Chapter 14: Overcoming Overthinking 149

Taming Stress 150

Getting to know stress hormones 151

Resetting with your parasympathetic nervous system 152

Stress and Sex: Understanding the Connection 154

Understanding the stress paradox: Sex as stress relief 154

Stopping spectatoring in its tracks 155

Practicing Sexual Mindfulness 157

Savoring 157

Breathing 158

Noticing 158

Chapter 15: Navigating Sexually Transmitted Infections 161

Busting STI Myths 162

Preventing STIs and Getting Tested 164

Prevention 164

Detection 165

Testing 166

Treatment 167

Moving from Diagnosis to Disclosure 167

Part 5: Embracing Changes 171

Chapter 16: Understanding Hormones 173

Reconnecting with Your Horny Teenage Self 174

Discovering Hormone Cycles for Every Body 176

Overcoming the Postpartum Slump 177

Reversing Puberty: Menopause 179

Testing the Limits of Testosterone 179

Chapter 17: Welcoming the Spectrum of Sexual Functioning 181

Encountering Dryness and Limpness and Low Desire, Oh My! 182

Understanding Common Causes of Sexual Function Changes 183

Discovering medications that impact sexual functioning 185

Noticing the early signs 186

Rediscovering Pleasure 187

Chapter 18: Creating Space for Sex to Evolve 189

Conquering Sexual Communication 190

Normalizing talking about sex 190

Practicing sexual small talk 193

Communicating through the good and the bad 194

Speaking Your Ideal Sex Life into Existence 195

Going beyond “Did You Cum”: Sexual Check-Ins That Work 196

Embracing feedback 196

Creating sexual check-ins 197

Chapter 19: Adding Sexual Aids and Enhancements 199

Welcoming Necessity, the Mother of Invention 200

Changing with inevitable bodily changes 201

Unlocking sexual pleasure at any age 203

Becoming a Props Pro 204

Making sex more comfortable 205

Part 6: the Part of Tens 207

Chapter 20: Ten Sexual Pleasure Myths 209

Orgasm Is Always the Goal of Sex 209

Men Are Just More Sexual Than Women 210

If You Don’t Experience Spontaneous Desire, Then You’re Broken 210

Women Need to Learn How to Orgasm from Penetration 211

Masturbation Should Only Be Used as a Last Resort 211

Pornography of Any Kind Is Addictive 212

Something Is Wrong with You If You Like Kinky Sex 212

Sex Toys Are for People Who Don’t Know How to Please Themself or Their Partners 212

The Older You Get, the Worse Your Sex Life Becomes 213

Sex Is Something You Shouldn’t Have to Talk to Your Partner About 213

Chapter 21: Ten Tips for Increasing Sexual Pleasure 215

Lead with Your Sexual Values 215

Focus on Arousal, Not Orgasm 216

Embrace Each Partner’s Different Needs 216

Use Masturbation and Porn to Expand Your Erotic World 216

Stay Open to Sex Toys as Pleasure Enhancements 217

Don’t Avoid Hard Conversations Like STI Disclosures or Explaining Your Needs 217

Know That Good Sex Isn’t Just for the Young and That Sex Can Get Better with Age 218

Use Your and Your Partner’s Hormonal Cycles to Your Advantage 218

Recognize When Sexual Contexts Are Best 219

Become a Sexual Communication Pro 219

Index 221